Shaping the Will

Happy Monday! One thought before I get into the article.

Mondays are underrated. They get a bad rap.

I typically come off the weekend more rested than a typical weekday. It is a fresh start. Like a mini New Years Day. You can plan your week and be hopeful about what will get done. About how things will go. You can be strategic or you can knock off a bunch of little things. I am typically excited for Mondays. I encourage you to change your perspective on the day.

Now for the article.

We had a battle of wills this week with one of our children.

It was Thursday night, and a situation came up. I won’t share the details, but we sat them down and explained that something needed to happen that night and why. They understood and were compliant at first, but after a while this situation became a battle. It was clear that they were testing our determination and were being deliberately disobedient.

It was a challenging parenting moment. A moment where every situation seemed like a lose-lose. A moment that makes you want to pull your hair out. A moment you think about later and regret saying or not saying things.

I happened to be reading “The Strong-Willed Child” by Dr. James Dobson the night before. He says, “This respect for strength and courage also makes children want to know how ‘tough’ their leaders are. They will occasionally disobey parental instructions for the precise purpose of testing the determination of those in charge.”

It was these words that gave me the determination to keep on in this situation. If it weren’t for those words, we likely would have given up the fight. It wasn’t that important that the specific thing we were making happen be done that night, but it was important to communicate that we mean what we say and love our kids enough to fight for what is good.

We don’t know for sure if what we did was right, but we did the best we knew to do. Those moments of insecurity as a parent are challenging. I am thankful to God for a wife that is honest and encouraging in those moments.

I found these six steps for shaping the will very insightful from Dobson.

1. Define the Boundaries Before They are Enforced

2. When Defiantly Challenged, Respond with Confident Decisiveness

3. Distinguish Between Willful Defiance and Childish Irresponsibility

4. Reassure and Teach After the Confrontation is Over

5. Avoid Impossible Demands

6. Let Love Be Your Guide – When unsure about specific details of the situation, rely on your intuition and love for your specific child.

They are practical, wise, and fair to the kids. Parenting is filled with gray areas, but knowing frameworks like these give great confidence for parents to raise kids with loving guidance.

Parents, we all know it is hard to raise kids. Do not forget how much they need you. They need your guidance. Your love. Your discipline. They need examples of biblical men and women. I encourage you to be consistent. Fill your cup by spending time in God’s word so you can consistently pour out into your kids without running dry. Parenting is a great calling. To shape the life of a creation of God is nothing to take lightly, and God gave you your children for a reason.

Thank you for reading my newsletter! If you found it helpful, please consider forwarding to a friend.

With respect,
Matt Virgin