My Hidden Story

Depression is many people’s hidden story.

It affects all areas of life,
yet it gets kept in the dark.

This was my story.

2021 was a bleak year for me.
Depression and anxiety reigned.

Every conversation was a performance.
I was hiding how I actually felt.

Inside - there was no peace. No joy.
Every day was a struggle.

Despite the many blessings God had given,
I regularly thought of suicide.

I had convinced myself my family would be better off without me.
They would not have to experience my anger and frustrations any longer.

My mind got caught in a cycle of negativity.
Constantly going back to this place of darkness.

It felt like there was no escape.

Then one day, it peaked.

I paced around my office in a panic,
but I didn't really know why.

It escalated to the point of me throwing up.
So, I left work and went to the only place I knew to go. Church.

I knelt at the altar steps, no lights on, by myself, on a Tuesday.
My prayer was a plead for help.
A plead that the weight of depression be lifted.
I had tried and tried and tried, but something had to change.

All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
It was my pastor.
We talked for 3 hours, and it was an answer to prayer.

From that point on, I knew I had to make some changes.

1. I got on medication to help. I still resent the medicine to this day, but it helps. It gave me the space I needed from depression to breathe and make changes.

2. I had to change who I was looking to for help. Culture says, “You’re enough!!” but we are not. That is a destructive lie. Christ is the one who is enough. He is more than enough, and when we seek Him, He promised to help.

3. My depression and anxiety had to be exposed. Light has a strange way of weakening our struggles. When we connect with people around us and talk about life, we are strengthened beyond what we could ever consider doing for ourselves.

4. During that season, I would say my habits were pretty good. I exercised and read and prayed. A lot of it though was going through the motions. My prayers in particular were shallow and not all that meaningful. When you pray, be real with God. Be honest. Don’t get stuffy and shallow with Him. He wants to help us!

Those changes transformed my life. I rarely have down days any more despite the toughness of this season of life.

God used those dark days for good. He allowed the pain, pulled me out of it at just the right time, and I now have a peace no matter my circumstances. All the praise goes to God!

If anyone is going through a similar season. I’d love to talk and help however I can.

If you aren’t going through that season, maybe someone you know is. Reach out and support them.

Have a great Labor Day!!

God Bless,
Matt Virgin