The Dark Side of People Pleasing

Morning everyone! I hope you are having a great morning/week so far.

Let me know what is going on in your life. What are you excited about? Hit reply and let me know!

This was the most personal post I’ve made, maybe ever.
I felt vulnerable putting it out there.

But it was important to me and hopefully meaningful to others.
It was important to my marriage and was certainly important to my wife.

I came to a stark clarity of a personal flaw that has damaged my marriage and other relationships throughout my life.

That flaw is a deep urge to please other people. I’m sharing it here to reiterate its significance in hopes to warn against its damaging effects if you are inclined to please people like I am.

You may have read it earlier this week on my LinkedIn. If so, please consider reading it again and consider if you are struggling with something similar. 

This is the dark side of people pleasing.

My desire to please people is deep deep,
and I’m learning it the hard way.

It causes people to lose trust in you.

Trust comes when your private life aligns with your public life.
When you do what you say you’re going to do.

People pleasing leads to anxiety.
You do and do and do, chasing perfection.

When perfection isn’t attained, you struggle.
You beat yourself up.
You tell yourself you aren’t enough.
You tell yourself people would be better off without you.

The desire to please gets so intense,
And the fear of letting others down gets so loud,
That you lie.

You act like you have it all together.
You act like you don’t struggle.
You say what everyone wants to hear.
And it works for a while.

But then, all of a sudden, you get found out.
Just like that, trust is gone.

So, as a recovering people pleaser, here’s what I’m learning…

1. Be honest
My wife doesn’t need me to be a superhero.
She needs me to be super honest.

2. We will always make mistakes
Rather than trying to convince others of our perfection,
We need to be upfront about our struggles.

3. We all need accountability
Shining light on sin helps to kill it.

4. Thank God for His grace and mercy
I am both known and loved completely.

People pleasing can cause a lot of damage. I’ve learned it firsthand. But thankfully God can restore us.

He is working in me. My desire should be to please Him over anyone else. That shift is occurring slowly but surely. Praise God!

Any other recovering people pleasers out there? Is this similar to your experience?

I hope you have a great week!

God Bless,
Matt Virgin